Thursday, January 12, 2012

Atomic Pizza

Fellow Talosians:

As I'm sure you are aware, Chef Christophe's superb culinary skills have for many years amazed and astounded civilizations across the Galaxy. From the tiny Microzoids of the tennis ball sized planet, Weensia, to the lumbering Gobs of Gobble, Chef Christophe's succulent creations have left nothing but copious accolades in their wake.

Despite his truly transcendent talents, Chef Christophe has always believed the common man, or in this case, Talosian, is capable at least of producing crude facsimiles of his simpler work. To this end, Chef Christophe occasionally distributes detailed instructions. Thus, I give you...


Dissolve one and a half packages active dry yeast in a cup of warm water. Then, in a mixing bowl, combine one and a half cups unsifted flower, 3 tablespoons of sugar, one teaspoon of basil and one teaspoon of oregano. Pour in the yeast mixture and stir.

Dump the dough out on a clean, floured surface and kneed for approximately 5 minutes. Add flour as needed to keep the dough from getting too sticky. Now, form the dough into a ball, put it back in the mixing bowl - cover and let stand for one hour.

In a separate bowl, mix together one large can of tomato sauce and one small can of tomato paste. Add one teaspoon each of granulated garlic, basil and oregano. Set aside in the fridge.

Now grate together 12 ounces provolone, 6 ounces Muenster and 5 ounces soft Romano cheese. Set aside in the fridge.

After the dough has risen for one hour, remove from the bowl and kneed briefly. Now coat the inside of one large GLASS baking pan with olive oil. Place the dough in the pan and carefully work it towards the sides, alternately stretching it out patting it down as you go. It takes a little patience, but pretty soon it will fill the pan perfectly. Cover the pan and let rise a second time for about 30 minutes. After that, carefully indent the dough with your fingertips, then cover and let rise another 20 minutes.

Now layer on the cheese, reserving one small handfull.

At this point, you are going to have to decide what ingredients you want to top the pizza with. Use whatever you want, but here's a tip. Fry up about 3 strips of bacon, drain and cut into small pieces about 1/4" by 1". You can use these to line the sides of the pizza, which gives the crust a delicious taste.

Spread your ingredients over the top of the cheese. Sprinkle a little oregano over that, then finish it off with the handful of cheese you have in reserve. Finally, "spot" the top of your pizza with the sauce. You can do this with an ordinary soup spoon. You should cover no more than 50% of the pizza with sauce.

Now put your pizza in the oven and bake for around 30 - 45 minutes. Here's why you use a glass baking dish: First, it takes longer for the heat to get to the dough, which allows more time for the cheese to melt and brown. Second, you can check the dough through the glass as it is baking.

Pull your pizza out of the oven when the crust is golden brown. Let stand for 5 minutes. Then, run a spatula all away around the rim of the pizza, loosening it from the sides of the pan. Finally, in one smooth motion, run the spatula underneath the pizza and slide it out onto a cutting board or larger pan. Cut it up as you would a cake.

Bon Appetite!

Chef Christophe